Father's Day
June 20, 2021 - Brittany Stockton
This is weird for me, because usually I teach third through fifth graders and they are neither quiet nor respectful up there. So the fact that you guys listen just freaks me out a little bit. So, to make me more comfortable, if anyone wants to act up and I can throw you out of here, it would be really good for me. And I don’t have my candy bucket. That’s, like, how I get kids to do anything.
Okay. So I made the mistake long ago of telling my husband that, I mean, he’s asked me multiple times to speak on a Sunday. I hate it. So I’ve always said no. But I made the mistake of telling him the only time I would ever speak is on Father’s Day. He remembered and now I’m regretting my life decisions.
But there are two reasons for that. The first is, I have kind of lived in two worlds when it comes to a father. For the first I would say nine or ten years of my life I had a really good dad. I idolized him. I feel like kids when they’re little they just think their dads are the greatest thing. So for those ten years I really did idolize my dad. I just thought he was amazing. And he was everything that I needed in a dad. He was really funny. He has a really sarcastic, witty sense of humor that I loved. He was a history teacher, so he knew everything about everything.
We would take these longs trips across the country and we would stop at every historical monument possible. As a kid, I hated it. Now as an adult I think that’s so cool. I walked around Martin Luther King Jr.’s house. We walked the street where JFK was shot. It was really fun.
And my dad was also raised Jewish. He was bar mitzvahed and it wasn’t until later in life that he became a Christian. So he developed all these really good arguments for why he was a Christian. For my walk and my faith, that was really important for me. So he was just this perfect dad.
Then, without getting into too much of the minutiae or the details of what happened, by the time I was fourteen my dad was gone. And I mean gone gone. He didn’t fight for custody of us. He was not in my life. And for the last twenty years I have lived without a father. And so I recognize how important dads are, because I’ve had the fullness of that and then I’ve had the complete lack of that.
So today I want to do a couple f things. First I want to just dispel some of the lies about fatherhood that I feel are propagated by our American culture. And two, I just want to encourage you dads.
So I want to start by reading from Genesis. You can open if you want, but I’ll just read through it. It’s Genesis 27 and this is a story of Isaac. He had two sons, Jacob and Esau. Jacob was a deceiver, right? He stole his brother’s birthright — well really he didn’t steal it, his brother was kind of dumb about it — but he took his brother’s birthright and he stole his brother’s blessing.
The birthright was really the inheritance. The first son was given a double portion. So if a father had three sons, they would divvy everything out by four and the first son would get the birthright, which was that double portion of the inheritance.
The blessing was really a spoken word. It was very prophetic. It had a lot of weight. It provided a scaffolding for the child’s life from that point on. So I’m going to pick up in the story right after Jacob had come in and stolen Isaac’s blessing.
30 After Isaac finished blessing him, and Jacob had scarcely left his father’s presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting. 31 He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, “My father, please sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing.”
32 His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?”
“I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.”
33 Isaac trembled violently and said, “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!”
34 When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me—me too, my father!”
35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”
36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob[a]? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”
37 Isaac answered Esau, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?”
38 Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!” Then Esau wept aloud.
There’s lots of things that we can unpack from that. This is a pretty heartbreaking story. But I want to focus on the one thing and that is that Esau really understood the power of a father’s words. He understood that there is weight and there is substance to what a father could give him. I feel like a little bit in our society we’ve forgotten how important fathers are.
So today I want to talk about three lies that I feel like have kind of infiltrated themselves into our society. Then I want to encourage you dads.
The first lie is, dads, that you might hear, is that you’re not important. You can take my word for it or I just found some articles from major publications in the United States and I’ll just read their titles.
The Atlantic Magazine just had an article that said, “Are Fathers Necessary? A Paternal Contribution May Not be as Essential as We Think”
The New York Times held a discussion panel called “What Are Fathers For?” Where Hannah Rosen, one of their contributors said, “I’m not sure whether a child needs a father.”
The Huff Post just wrote an article simply stated “Fathers Are Not Needed.”
So that is something I think is being told to fathers over and over again. And I’m here to tell you as a daughter of a father who left, it’s a lie. It is a lie. Dads, you are so important. You are so important.
I’m going to read some statistics because I’m kind of nerdy and I love statistics. You guys have probably heard things like this before. I’ve heard them a bunch of times, but every time I hear them, I’m shocked by them. These are just statistics of kids growing up without fathers. And just so you know, the United States just topped the world in our fatherless rate. We are number one.
85% of youth who are currently in prison grew up in a fatherless home. 85%
71% of all high school dropouts come from a fatherless home
Teen girls from fatherless homes are 4 times more likely to become teen moms.
63% of youth suicides — 63%! — are kids from fatherless homes
75% of adolescent patients treated in substance abuse centers are from fatherless homes
90% of the youth in the United States who run away or become homeless for any reason originally came from a fatherless home
Children who live in fatherless homes are 279% more likely to deal drugs or carry firearms for offensive purposes
85% of all children who show behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
So, while our society writes articles stating fathers are not needed, the statistics show otherwise. Dads, we need you. We need you in the home. You are so, so important.
Lie number two is dads, you are not necessary. This sounds like the first, so let me dissect this a little bit. Also, my hope is not to offend anyone in what I’m about to say. Just hear me out. If you are offended, you can leave a comment at david@livingstreams.org and just let me know.
But dads are not necessary. I feel like this is very rooted in the feminist movement. Now, understand, I’m a woman. I am raising three daughters. I am very, very, very pro woman. But there is something that happened in the third wave of the feminist movement. The first wave I’m all about. I would have been there marching in the streets. The second wave got a little iffy for me. The third wave I feel is very destructive.
Here’s what it does. It tells women that we can take over the role of any man anywhere, including a father. That we can provide everything that a father would provide. And it tells men, hey, what you bring to the table is not only not necessary, but is actually offensive and oppressive. We tell men that their strength is offensive. We tell them that their masculinity is oppressive. If they open a door for us, that’s offensive. If they don’t open a door, that’s also offensive. Right? We’ve trapped them and we’ve told them, “We don’t need you. We can play that role, too.” But that’s also a lie.
I grew up without a dad. My mom provided everything that she could. She was a great mom. But she couldn’t provide everything. Dads, you are necessary, because what you bring to the table is very different from what a mom brings to the table. And that’s important. That’s why God did it, right?
They did a study in Boston Children’s hospital. They took these 8-week old babies and they hooked them up to all these wires (because Americans are crazy and we do this kind of stuff to children). But they put it so they could monitor their brain activity and their heart rate, and then they put them in a room. They were monitoring in there and they brought Mom in the room. As they monitored, the heart rate went down. The brain activity went down. The hands and feet stopped moving. The eyes got a little droopy. Because moms have this amazing ability to nurture their child, to calm their child. It’s a beautiful thing.
Now, they did the same thing, hooked the baby up, monitoring in there. They brought the dad in. The exact opposite happened. The brain activity went up, the heart rate went up, the hands started moving, right? The eyes got really wide. Because dads bring something very different.
When I come home from work, my daughters just crowd around me. I’ll be cooking dinner, they’re talking, sitting not he counter. We’re just like engaging that way.
When my husband comes home from work, he walks through the door and my girls are like, “Dad, let’s go play soccer! Let’s go do this!”
And I remember when they were little I always dressed them in these onesy pajamas because I’m like the world’s laziest mom. They never got out of those. (Actually, my daughter’s wearing pajama’s today. It’s just a thing.) But my husband would walk through the door, and he would grab them by the collar of that thing and he would lift them up into the air and they would be like so excited, flailing around, and then he would just throw them onto a couch, or throw them onto a bed. I was like, “What is happening?” Right?
Or they do this thing, wrestling on the bed. The girls always want to do it. I do not know why, because there are like twenty near-death experiences every time. When they start doing that, I go to Target because I know it’s going to end in crying. I know it.
But dads have this amazing thing that they bring. It’s just natural. He’s not trying. But when I walk in the room, my first thought isn’t, “I’m going to lift my daughter up by the collar and flail her in the air.” But it’s his first thought. Right? Dads are very different. You guys bring something so different and so necessary. So you are very important. We need you because you can anchor us the way a mom can’t. You bring things that a mom can’t and you are necessary because what you give us, your strength, your protection, your masculinity — those are very important to your children.
All right. Let’s move to the third lie. So I know that when you look at that, when you see how important your presence is and you see how necessary your presence is, it might feel very daunting. It might feel very overwhelming. “How could I possibly fill this role?” Right? It’s so significant in your kid’s life. And I know you might have moments, and I know with my dad, just hearing his story, there were moments like that. He got too scared of how big this role was that he ran away from it.
But I’m going to let you in on a little secret here today. Kids are not expecting you to do some big, grand thing. When the Bible talks about these fathers giving their blessing, it wasn’t some huge ordeal. And I was reading — Gary Smalley writes a lot of books on marriage and family. I think he did the Love Languages. But he was writing this book on fatherhood and he did tons of interviews before this. And he interviewed all these kids and he just asked them, “When was it, what specifically do you remember, what was the moment that you said, ‘I have received my father’s blessing’?” And I just want to read some of the responses.
One boy said, “My father would let me practice pitching to him for a long time when he got home from work.” That was the moment he realized he had his father’s blessing.
“I wrecked my parents’ car and my father’s first reaction was to hug me and let me cry instead of yelling at me.” I know what his second reaction was, though. But his first reaction was a hug. That was the moment that kid realized they had their father’s blessing, that very substantial thing.
One kid said, “When I was thirteen my dad trusted me to use his favorite hunting rifle.”
And one more, “My father would put his arm around me in church and let me lay his head on his shoulder.”
And here’s the thing. It may seem daunting, but your kids are just looking for these consistent, small things. You do not know the moment that that blessing is being transferred from you to your child. It could be when you’re throwing them on the bed, right? It could be when you’re holding their hand and you walk across the street. It could be when you teach them to drive. It doesn’t have to be something big and grand. Your kids just want you to show up in little ways. They’re not expecting perfection. They know you’re not perfect. I idolized my dad for ten years. I knew he wasn’t perfect. They just want you to be there in small, little ways. Put your arm them. Hold their hand. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.
I don’t feel like I received my father’s blessing. He left before I really felt like that. But I was trying to remember the moment I felt the most loved by my dad. I was in my room and I had like a thousand stuffed animals. He was in there and he was just piling them on top of me. Then I’d pop out. And then I’d lie back down and then he piled them on top of me again and I’d pop back up. It was like the dumbest game in the world but I felt so loved by my dad. It was such a small thing, but it wasn’t a small thing to me. It was a huge thing. And in all those ten years, that’s the one moment I pull out and say, “That was when I felt loved by my dad.”
So dads, please know, it doesn’t have to be anything huge. It doesn’t have to be anything grand. We just want it to be consistent. That’s it.
I want to read a couple of things in closing. I’m not really a good closer because, honestly, by the time I’m done teaching up there, the kids are not listening anymore. Right? I never have to close because I feel like sometimes they’ll look up at me and they will be shocked that I’m still teaching. Right? They’ll be doing their thing and they’re like, “What? She’s still up there? What is happening?” So I’ve never been a good closer because I’ve never had to be.
But I want to read through a couple of things just to some groups. Because Father’s Day, while I want to encourage you dads, because I think dads are just so important, I also know Father’s Day can be pretty heavy and pretty hard. So I want to read a few things just directed at a few groups that maybe you find yourself in here on Father’s Day.
The first one is to dads. Oh my gosh. I’m going to cry. I hate this so much. Dads, you are essential workers. I want to say it again. You are important. You are necessary. And we need you to be just consistently show up in small ways. When I was looking for a bible story about a good dad, I honestly struggled to find one. I do believe there is something uniquely hard about fatherhood. And while that’s not an excuse, let it serve as an encouragement for you to get the help you need to do this well, because it’s crucial. Please find a counselor or a good friend or a life group. Get plugged in and stay plugged in because your kids really do need you. That pain of having a father leave, it will never leave me. So please, please stay. Please do what you have to do to stay.
To single moms. You are our Deborahs. You stepped up when it was necessary. I was raised by a single mother and she did an incredible job. So you can do it. You can do this. That’s my simple encouragement to single moms. You can do it. His grace is so sufficient. And while there is still pain, my mom raised four pretty well-adjusted children, okay?
To fathers with no father. You are the dam builders. You are a powerful force working to change the flow and it’s no easy task. It would be simple to be swept away by what took your father and maybe fathers in your family line for generations, but I’m begging you not to stop the work. What you’re doing is not only good, it is necessary. It’s the hard work and I am and we are all grateful for you.
To those walking without the blessing of their father. You are not fatherless. I’ve walked in your shoes almost all of my life. Trust me when I say I know the pain. I’ve been there. I know the insecurity that comes with that kind of rejection. I know the heartache of not being able to ask for advice or simply have a shoulder to rest your head on. But I also know how good of a Father I have. I am not fatherless. And neither are you.
To fathers who have withheld the blessing. You’re late. But you’re not too late. I would take my father’s blessing today if that were possible. I don’t quite understand how all of this works, but there is a deep ache that comes with having to live without your father’s approval, without his words of life and without his impact. So, if it’s right, give the blessing. It’s not too late.
And to all the men in the room who are not fathers, maybe not yet, or maybe you’ll never be fathers. You are the pinch hitters. You are the sixth men. The closers. We need you. I had men step into my life in different areas. Coaches, youth leaders, husband. And it changed everything for me. You really can step into that role and love a kid who doesn’t have a father. And while you’re not going to save them from all the pain, you can make a huge, huge difference.
I’m going to pray really quick and then I think someone’s going to sing a song or something. All right.
God, I just thank you so much that you are a good Father. Ultimately we have you and I’m so grateful for that. But God, today I want to pray for all the fathers in the room. I pray that they would understand how important they are. I pray for everyone who knows a good father in the room. I pray that we would be their cheer leaders, that we would constantly be supporting them; because without fathers, our society really does fail. So God, just encourage them today. Just bless them in this pursuit, this journey of fatherhood. Thank you that they don’t have to be perfect. But help them keep showing up. Amen.
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