Divorce
This morning it is my joy to be with you and to share from the word of God. About a month ago, the media and newspaper headlines blew up with the announcement of one of America’s most influential, affluential, philanthropic, visible couples, that they were divorcing. Now they had always appeared to be the Mazda automobile version of the American couple…
Series: Sermon on the Mount
June 6, 2021 - Beth Coker
This morning it is my joy to be with you and to share from the word of God.
About a month ago, the media and newspaper headlines blew up with the announcement of one of America’s most influential, affluential, philanthropic, visible couples, that they were divorcing. Now they had always appeared to be the Mazda automobile version of the American couple — not very glamorous but really reliable and very unlikely to break down.
Photos hit the internet immediately of them standing together on stages, smiling, looking at each other with adoring eyes. This was Hollywood’s attempt to glamorize the brokenness of a marriage and home once again.
When the news about Bill and Melinda Gates getting divorced hit the news, everyone was stunned, like, what happened? They had been married for twenty-seven years. They raised three children together. They built foundations that are impacting millions of lives and they’re now saying that they can no longer grow together.
We say the same thing when we hear about couples in the church divorcing. What happened?
My heart grieves whenever I hear about a divorce or a family breaking up. It’s difficult to hear about the death of a marriage and the brokenness and the breakup of a family. May we never get desensitized to hearing about the pain of a divorce.
Divorce has reached epidemic proportions in our land. Like a plague, divorce has swept through and brought death to the heart of our society: the home. We must stand and fight the enemy who wants nothing more than to destroy and dismantle the family institution. The view on divorce in our society today is multifaceted.
Some people view it this way: Why marry at all? Just live together. Avoid divorce. Just don’t get married.
Other people have this mindset: Well, divorce, but you can never get remarried. It’s unbiblical.
Other feel people this very strongly: You stay married no matter what. Abuse, not safe in the home, doesn’t matter. You stay married. It’s the unpardonable sin to get divorced.
Other people have this mindset: You know what? Stay married only if you’re fulfilled. When it’s no longer fun or meeting your needs, call it quits and get out. They kind of have this escape lever mindset, like in an escape room that, if you just can’t handle it, get out. Or maybe they see it as an exit sign off the freeway “You know, this just isn’t working for me. I think I’m going to take another route.” It’s all about self-fulfillment in those kind of views.
None of these, none of these are God’s view of divorce. He said strongly in Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce.” It grieves his heart.
This morning we are studying a passage that some consider the most controversial in all the Sermon on the Mount. Thank you, David, for giving me this assignment. In Matthew 5:31,32, it’s a passage in which Jesus addresses divorce and remarriage. It’s a very sensitive subject because divorce has affected so many people in the church and in our families. Just the mere mention of the word divorce feels like I’m ripping a scab off of an old wound, and it hurts. Emotions bubble up in us when we hear that word divorce. Some emotions of hurt, some of sorrow, some of loss. Emotions of anger, regret, and shame. And for many, this passage brings up painful memories and deep, personal losses.
Some of you sitting in here have walked through a divorce yourself. Some of you are walking through a divorce right now. Some of you heard David mention last week that we would be talking about divorce this morning and you chose not to come and you’re watching online. For that, I’m grateful you’re watching online. I’ve been there. To talk about divorce when you’re divorced or in the midst of one, it’s a painful thing.
Many of you have watched your parents walk through a divorce and it has left deep scars on your life. For others of you, the mere mention of a teaching on divorce elicits a response of fear and apprehension, because it raises questions of a situation you’re in right now. And I want to remind us, before we got to the worlds in Matthew 5:31,32 that Jesus is teaching here on marriage and divorce, and he is our loving, forgiving, redeeming Savior. He teaches the subject with grace and gentleness and truth.
We serve a God of unlimited grace and he offers hope to those who put their trust in him. He offers hope to those of us who have suffered the personal devastation of divorce, even to those who are guilty of ending their marriages illegitimately, not according to biblical premises, or prematurely.
I’m hear to tell you that divorce is not the unpardonable sin. It is not the unforgivable sin. I stand before you this morning as a woman who has walked through a divorce. It was one of the most painful times in my life and something I never would have dreamed would happen to me. I certainly never thought it would be an area of ministry I would be a subject matter in. But here I am, forgiven, redeemed, and being used again in the kingdom of God. And today I can say I am more in love with my Jesus than I ever have been in my life, and it’s largely in part due to walking through the crucible of divorce.
So whatever has formed your opinion about divorce this morning — maybe it’s something somebody taught you — maybe you formed your opinion by a book you read on divorce — maybe you formed your opinion about divorce in walking through it in your own family — we must base our opinions solely on the truth of God’s word and what Jesus taught us.
So turn with me, if you would please, to Matthew 5:31, 32, two short verses Jesus addresses in the Sermon on the Mount on divorce and remarriage, but they’re packed with a lot of power. In Matthew 5:31, Jesus starts and he says:
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Now, I want to set the scene a little bit. Matthew 5, chapter 1 opens with Jesus. He’s up on a hillside and he sees the crowd before him. Now, when Jesus sees a crowd, it’s different than the way you or I see a crowd. Jesus can look into the hearts and the minds of the people there. That’s how he sees us this morning. He could look around that crowd and he could see someone and say, “Oh, that one’s had too many affairs.” “This one over here, unforgiveness in their heart.” “Oh, that one, lusting after his secretary.” “This one down in front of me, broken beyond repair. In need of having their head lifted in hope.” “This one over here, hatred in their heart, therefore, committing the act of murder.” “This one just doesn’t like his wife’s cooking Wants to divorce her.”
That’s how Jesus sees the crowd. And as he looks t that crowd, he goes sup farther on the mountain. And he calls his disciples to him, and he begins to teach them the way of righteous living. Not more laws or rules. He’s contrasting the way of the old teaching of the Scribes and Pharisees. When Jesus said, “You have heard it said,” he’s referring to what the Scribes and Pharisees had taught. “You have heard it said.”
But he is saying, “But I say…I bring to you a new teaching of the life in the Spirit. A life of repentance. Living by the Spirit of the law.” The Sermon on the Mount addresses issues of the heart. Tough subject. It addresses murder. It addresses anger. Jesus addresses forgiveness in the Sermon on the Mount. Last week you heard him address the issue of lust in the heart. And now, in these scriptures this morning, we’re looking at the issue of the heart surrounding divorce.
Now, as we read these two verses, so many people get hung up on the exception clause, when Jesus says, “Except on the grounds of sexual immorality.” They think that’s the main point to the passage. But it’s not. Jesus expounds a little bit more on the subject in Matthew 19 and in Mark 10. And we see that what Jesus is saying here in these two verses is so much deeper than the exception clause. He’s teaching us to imitate God’s own example of commitment in a covenant bond of love.
Jesus is teaching in these passages to love and act toward our spouses just as God acts and loves toward us. He is a God of covenant relationship. How do I know that? He tells us in an Old Testament story how committed God is to those he loves.
In the Old Testament there’s a story of God’s love for his covenant people, Israel, his chosen nation. A love that is faithful and committed, even though his people were not, in the story as recorded in the book of Hosea chapters 1 through 3. Now, Hosea is a prophet. The book in the Old Testament, Hosea, is a minor prophet. Hosea is a man of God. And this book opens, right in verse 2 of chapter 1, “And God commanded Hosea, go out and marry a woman named Gomer.” Now, marrying a woman named Gomer would be hard enough, but God also says — sorry if anyone is named Gomer in here — my bad — but God also tells Hosea she will prove to be a prostitute. So God tells Hosea, “Go take yourself a wife inclined to harlotry. And children of harlotry. For the land commits a flagrant harlotry abandoning the Lord.”
Hosea had to be thinking, “What? Did I hear you right? I’ve never been married and you’re commanding me to go marry this woman named Gomer and she’s going to be a prostitute? That’s what you’re asking me to do, Lord?”
God says, “Uh-huh. Because Gomer is going to prove to be an illustration of the nation of Israel and God’s covenant relationship with her.”
So Hosea marries her. And during the time that Gomer is married to Hosea, she has two sons and one daughter. And God tells Hosea, “Name that first born son God Scatters. Name your daughter No Mercy. And name your second son Not Mine.”
What a heartbreak it must have been. Poor, godly Hosea, who was a prophet in Israel. Can you imagine him introducing someone to his prostitute wife and his children who he wasn’t even sure were his, and saying their names.
Gomer continues to wander again and again, away into the arms of other men. But Hosea continued to care for her and provide for her. And he brought her back home. But there was a time when she was away for a long, long time. And she eventually became auctioned off as a cheap slave. She was so abused, used and thrown out. Any other husband would have said, “Serves her right. She didn’t love me anyway. Let some other man have her.”
But God commanded Hosea, “Go buy her back. Go buy her back.” And Hosea did. Hosea went and paid the price to redeem her and he brought her back home again. This is our covenant-keeping, committed God. Through this story, God wanted to show his own commitment to his people Israel in spite of her unfaithfulness. He has done the same with us. When we have wandered off, he has sought us out, even in our sinful state. He has redeemed us back to himself and he affirms his unchanging love for us.
Now, in Matthew 5:31,32, God is asking the same of us toward our spouses. Jesus is teaching about faithful love in the bond of marriage. He’s not just teaching about when divorce can happen and when it cannot happen. He’s not just teaching who can marry afterward and who can’t. It’s about a covenant commitment.
You see, in Jesus’ day, the Pharisees were focused on the letter of the law. Their righteousness, their puffed up personalities was based on observing the letter of the law alone. They tried to catch Jesus on the letter of the law.
Turn with me over just a couple of chapters to Matthew 19. We’re going to read what the Pharisees tried to catch Jesus in here.
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
So the Pharisees come to Jesus and they say to him, “Jesus, is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”
Jesus doesn’t even engage in what they’re trying to do. He goes right back to the beginning in Genesis. He says, “God created them and said ‘The two shall be one flesh.’ What God has joined together let not men separate.”
The Pharisees didn’t quit. They just kept coming after Jesus. “Well, why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
The Pharisees, you can just see them standing there quite smug and saying, “Well, Jesus, you’re saying we shouldn’t get divorced, but Moses said we could. Gotcha.”
You see, in that day, there were two different schools of thought taught by the rabbis. The first was the conservative Shammai school. Those rabbis taught that Moses was saying if a man discovered his wife had been caught in adultery, he could divorce her. But remember the cultural setting at that time in the Old Testament. There was much pressure to stay married because of financial complications. You see, if a man wanted to divorce his wife, the dowry had to be given back to the bride. At the marriage ceremony there would have been large sums of money exchanged to the husband and he would have to give all of that back also. So, in that day, men thought twice about divorcing their wives, because they had to give a lot of money back to the people who gave it to them. I think maybe they were onto something in that day.
There was a second school of rabbinical teaching. It was the liberal Hillel school. And this thought was, “Anything you don’t like about that wife of yours, give her a certificate of divorce. She spoils your food. She burns the toast. Certificate of divorce. She twirls in the street. She talks with a male stranger. She let her hair down in public. Give her a certificate of divorce. She has any physical defect. She has any physical defect and you just fall out of love with her. You’ve found someone more beautiful. Give her a certificate of divorce. It’s okay. That was the mindset the Pharisees wanted to embrace.
And Jesus looks at these men and he says to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” It’s always an issue of the heart. There was a hardness in these men. A hardness seeps in when we seek for a divorce. Our hearts of flesh have been turned to hearts of stone. And Jesus is teaching here in the Sermon on the Mount it is always an issue of the heart.
The Pharisees were trying to test Jesus. They just wanted to trap him. Their objective was to maintain a permissive, liberal divorce policy. Because divorce was relatively easy in those days, as it is today. And the Pharisees intended to keep it that way. But Jesus is telling them, “Marriage his not a consumer relationship or a contract that you can just walk away from. Marriage is a covenant and it was established that way from the beginning of time.”
Divorce should be as radical as amputating an arm or a leg. No doctor would amputate your arm for a hangnail. No doctor would amputate your leg if you had a sprained ankle or ugly freckles or a varicose vein. Amputation should be the last thing you do. And that’s what Jesus is pointing out. You can’t divorce your wife for these silly reasons. Twirling in the street. Burning the toast. You found another woman. No. Divorce was never commanded by God. It was permitted in the case of sexual immorality or adultery.
The Greek word that Jesus uses here in chapter 19 verse 9, of immorality, adultery, is the Greek word porneia. It’s the word we get our modern word pornography from. It refers to any immoral or adulterous act.
Adultery kills the covenant of marriage. Hence the exemption clause in Matthew 5:31, 32, “except in the case of adultery.” Divorce was permitted when the covenant was killed through adultery or through abandonment. The Apostle Paul deals with the issues of abandonment in 1 Corinthians 7, when an unbelieving spouse leaves the marriage.
Jesus permitted divorce on these grounds. He did not command it. God’s heart is always that of restoration. Always. And I know so many marriages that have been restored, even after an adulterous affair. Oh, it takes hard work. The trust has been broken. But it can be done. God’s heart is always to restore.
And so important to the Lord is the marriage bond, that to the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the Lord directed the Apostle Paul to address divorce even further in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Paul writes in that chapter that maybe a time of separation might be wise counsel, purposely and solely for the goal of reconciliation. Paul writes this:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
The issues surrounding divorce are so complex, and those who are looking for a divorce will look for any loophole they can to say, “See? I have biblical grounds for divorce.”
But maybe in some situations, a time of separation might be the best course of action if both spouses sincerely want to do a work in their own hearts and in their marriage and they seek godly counsel.
My mom and dad needed this after forty plus years of marriage. They got to a point in their marriage that was so ugly and so hostile in their home that they could not be in the same house together. And so they decided to separate for a time to seek the Lord, to search their hearts, to seek godly counsel. And the Lord works when we humble ourselves before him. And after that time of separation, they came back together and their marriage was more beautiful than we had ever seen it the last eight to ten years of my dad’s life. God is in the business of restoring marriages. In the business of restoring relationships.
Not only is the marriage covenant killed through adultery, it is killed also through abuse. Because we are precious to God, we are not required to stay in a marriage when we have been betrayed through abuse. To abuse your spouse is to violate the “one flesh” union of marriage that God established from the beginning.
The Apostle Paul wrote in Titus 2:15, “Do not let anyone despise you.” And the idea there is, “Don’t let anyone abuse you.” If abuse is happening in the home, it’s no longer safe for an abused spouse or the children to stay in that environment. Run. Seek help. Seek shelter. Seek safety. Don’t stay in that unsafe situation. Run from that continual exposure of family members to destroying addictions and perversions that will ruin the lives of innocent children. Get out of that situation.
I’m grieved if you have been taught that you must stay in an abusive or perverted marriage no matter what. Protect yourself and your children from danger. Do not submit to abuse.
God’s heart must weep as he sees the brokenness of our world, our society, our church. Sin has destroyed so much of the beauty of marriage and the family he created. I don’t know how a teaching on divorce touches your life this morning. But divorce is a part of my story. It’s very personal.
I was raised in a pastor’s home. Yes, my parents who needed to separate for a while after forty years. My dad was a pastor. The word divorce was never, ever mentioned in our home. Even if your marriage was unhealthy — and my mom and dad’s was for many, many years — you u just toughed it out. You stayed in it no matter what. We were raised to think that divorce is the unthinkable, unforgivable sin. It was the one thing you couldn’t come back from. You were branded with a scarlet D on the front of you that you would carry for the rest of your life.
So, in my own marriage, we were a family very involved in the church. I served in women’s ministry. I taught Bible studies, I taught Sunday school, we were involved in home fellowships, we hosted a home fellowship, I was on worship teams, my husband at that time was in leadership in the church. From all outward appearances, we were seen as a solid family in the church. No one had any idea that things were slowly eroding from the inside. Our marriage was crumbling and our three precious girls were suffering from it. You see, they keep the pain, the hurt, the confusion all bottled up and suppressed inside of them. We just plastered on our Sunday smiles and we kept up this persona of having it all together when we were in public. But the enemy, the enemy was dismantling our home brick by brick, and the walls just came tumbling down.
As I faced the reality of an impending divorce, it was humiliating and deeply hurtful. My extended family didn’t know how to handle it. They just didn’t know what to say to us, didn’t know how to minister to us. My name was slandered and rumors flew around the church and in our small valley. It was a very scary time for myself and for my girls. I had no idea how to walk through the valley of the shadow of death of a divorce. I had to go back into the work force I hadn’t been in for about twenty years. I had to sell our home. I had to change schools for my girls. They were in private, they had to go to public. I had to fill both roles of mom and dad. I had to try to keep my girls’ lives as normal as possible.
Through that time I chose to model the life of Joseph in the Old Testament, that, when he was accused of wrongdoing by Potiphar’s wife, Joseph did not fight back with words. When Potiphar’s wife accused Joseph of attempted sexual assault, he ran from her, but he never fought back with words. He didn’t even defend himself when Potiphar sent him to jail. Joseph let God be his defense lawyer.
So I wanted to trust God to do that for me, too. I clung to my heavenly Father during that time like I never had before in my life. I let him defend me and he did. He fought for me. He was my keeper. He was my protector. I was in a place of needing his strength to guide me daily, just to be able to get up in the morning and to be strong for my girls and figure out how we were going to walk this road. This was the first time in my life I just couldn’t pull myself up by my boot straps and keep pushing through. I had always been able to do that, but not through a divorce. I needed my God more than ever before.
I pressed into his arms and I let him carry me so many times when I couldn’t walk on my own. I didn’t know where to go, I didn’t know where to turn. But I drew so close to the Lord during that time that, as I just turned my face to the side, my God was right there. He was with me in the fire. He never let go of me. He was my Father to my girls. He was our Provider. The Head of our household. My Comfort and my Shield. In the days and months that followed the divorce, I experienced the grace and forgiveness from my loving heavenly Father that disproved the legalistic view of being branded as a failure in God’s eyes because of divorce.
In time, I learned that I was not branded with this flaming D and defined as a divorced woman. Rather, I wore a blood-stained F as a woman forgiven. Forgiven. My marriage had failed by I was not a failure in God’s eyes. He wrapped his loving arms around me and he held me safe in his arms. It’s a beautiful thing to feel that depth of love from him.
My three girls needed to see me press into my heavenly Father for strength, guidance as we walked a very painful road. The divorce was damaging for them. It is never without cards. One daughter built walls so high no one could penetrate them. She was not going to get hurt like that again. One daughter longed for a father’s love to teach her to hunt, to fish, to rock climb, how to throw a football. My other daughter looked for approval from men and just longed to be accepted by one.
Divorce leaves deep emotional scars. And as the years went on, people would watch my life and they’d think, “Beth, your life is like a divorce success story. How did you do it?”
And they’d want to come to me when they were contemplating divorce and ask me, “How did you do it? How did you do this life?”
And I’m just honest with them. And I’ll look at them and I’ll say, “Well, friends will feel bad when they hear that you’re going to get a divorce. But they’ll quickly say, ‘Ah, you’ll be okay. You’ll make it through.’ No. You won’t. Not without pain. Not without deep sadness of heart. Brokenness. Not without anger or hatred or deep wounds. Divorce is a death. It is death of a marriage.”
But those who come to me, who have been divorced and feel broken and like they’re worthless. I can look at them and say, “But God will bring beauty from your ashes.” But my God.
My life and the lives of my girls are testimony of his power and his grace. How did we do it? It came from being able to forgive and let go of any bitterness that I had in my heart, and to teach my girls to do the same.
This morning, by asking God to change your heart, you can be whole again. You can feel his love, his forgiveness. You can trust God with your future. You can count on his love forever. You have come to the place for healing this morning. If you’re here this morning and you’re divorced and you still harbor a hardness or a hatred in your heart, may today be the day that you repent and let God give you a new heart, a heart of flesh. As God this morning to change your heart and he will.
“Father, give me a heart of flesh. Take away this heart of stone.” Oh, I hear so many divorced men and women still slandering their ex-spouses. They put the blame on the other person. They’re hard hearted. Bitterness spews from them. They’ve never had the heart surgery it takes to turn their heart back into a heart of flesh. They take that same hardness into their new marriage, their new home, their new circle of friends.
Don’t look to a new mate to change you or to complete you or turn you around. A different spouse won’t produce a new you. Only God can. If you’re divorced and single here this morning, you’ve never been married, embrace the singleness. Paul exhorts us to remain as he was, as single. You have no idea how God can use you for the kingdom. That’s where my life is a success story, to have stayed single after divorce and let God use me for his kingdom.
Maybe you’re here this morning and you’re contemplating divorce. Search your heart. Maybe you just can’t stand your spouse anymore and you want out. Oh, humble your heart. Remember the power of the gospel. God can change us. Consider the hard work of reconciliation. Hosea did with Gomer again and again and again. God’s heart is always reconciliation, always restoration.
Consider the hard work of reconciliation before you do that knee-jerk reaction of “I have grounds for divorce and I’m not stopping until I get it.” I hear so many believers in that boat. Filling out those divorce papers will only trade one heartache for an even deeper one.
Maybe you’re at the point this morning where a time of separation would be what God would speak to you. Ask him. Seek him.
If you’re sitting here this morning and you’re abusing your spouse in any way, get down on your knees and ask God to forgive you and give you the strength to change. Get counseling. Get an accountability partner. Get help. Abuse breaks the covenant of marriage.
And if you hear this teaching this morning and you’re thinking, “God can never love me again. I’ve been divorced a few times and I’ve been divorced for unbiblical reasons and I feel guilty.” Repent of that. God forgives. He restores. All he asks us to do is repent and ask forgiveness.
If you’re sitting here this morning and you feel tossed out like a soiled rag, you’ve been replaced by someone else in your marriage, you don’t even seem as if God sees you. Oh, our God sees you. Hagar felt like that when she was dumped in the wilderness. And God said, “Hagar I see you. Open your eyes. There’s a well of refreshing, living water right next to you.” El Roi sees you.
For all of us this morning, look to Jesus in your marriages. He can bring beauty out of brokenness. Nothing can ever separate you from God’s love. He will bring beauty from the ash heap of destruction of divorce.
Would you bow your heads with me this morning as we have a time of silence? I pray that you would listen right now to what Holy Spirit is saying to you, to each individual heart. May your prayer be, “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation.”
If you’re thinking of divorce, soften your heart. If you need to repent of harboring unforgiveness, do that this morning.
Father in heaven, help us. We’re living in a culture that has forgotten your pattern for marriage. Your word is being ignored. Forgive us. Give us strength to believe in the power of the gospel to change lives, to change marriages this morning. We trust you, God, to heal our marriages, heal our hearts, restore broken relationships. May we be Christ followers who walk alongside those whose marriages are struggling, loving them, speaking the truth of your word over them. Holy Spirit, blow through this sanctuary this morning with a mighty rushing wind. Begin a new work in the lives of your people in our hearts this morning. We surrender marriages to you this morning, Lord, be a miracle wonder-working God in the marriages in this church. Thank you for loving us, for being a God of restoration and brining beauty from ashes.
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